From CH Staff on
Guns don't kill people. Batman does.
By Front Page Films
INT. BANK VAULT - DAY THE PENGUIN stabs a lifeless SWAT OFFICER over and over with an ICE PICK. The Penguin isn't the top hat and monocled man from the comics, he's a tortured maniac with severe phocomelia: He wears an ill-fitting, bloody tuxedo and his wispy hair frames an asymmetrical face with nonexistent ears. The hand gripping the ice pick has only 3 fleshy digits. His voice is a manhole cover scraping concrete. Surrounding him are more dead SWAT and COMMISSIONER GORDON, who is against a wall, blood matting hair around a head wound. GORDON You're never going to get out of here alive. PENGUIN Be quiet and wait your turn. The penguin stabs the dead SWAT again. Now he's just having fun. BATMAN steps into the vault. Even the Dark Knight is fazed by the bloodbath. GORDON Get him, Batman. PENGUIN Yes, come get me, Batman! Penguin charges Batman, ice pick-first. With a flourish of his cape, SMASH, Batman elbows Penguin in the back of the neck, knocking him out cold. Batman helps Gordon up. GORDON I owe you one, Batman. BATMAN Looks like Arkham has one more permanent resident. GORDON It's more than he deserves. In the background, Penguin stirs, grabs a SWAT's SIDEARM and aims it at Batman. GORDON (CONT'D) Batman! Watch out! Gordon quickly draws his REVOLVER and fires at Penguin, hitting him in the shoulder, flooring him. BATMAN Looks like we're even. GORDON Yeah, about that, why didn't you kill him when he was trying to stab you? BATMAN No Killing. No guns. GORDON Right...so you knock them out and then when they inevitably wake up, I have to kill them? BATMAN Well...no. GORDON The blood is on my hands? BATMAN Gordon, if I started killing people- GORDON I'm the murderer? BATMAN If I started killing all willy- nilly, Gotham would turn on me. GORDON You have a mask! No one knows who you are! I have to live with the fact that everyone knows I have taken life! BATMAN I have rules, Gordon. GORDON Oh, right, your precious rules. Why is it that you don't kill again? BATMAN Uh...honor...and my fear of bats... GORDON You don't know, do you? BATMAN Oh! I know...it's because ever since my parents...didn't die by mugger...gun...I... GORDON Wait, you're parents are dead? BATMAN No...they are very alive...I'm Batman so I can avenge the death of my pet bats, Pear and Ents. GORDON Right... (then) Batman, look out! Penguin charges Batman with a grenade in his hand. PENGUIN DIE, BATMAN, DIE! Gordon draws his revolver and fires, flinging Penguin backwards, the grenade flying out of his hand and into the other room behind him. BOOM! GORDON See? This is what I'm talking about. BATMAN Wow. You just offed him. In a hearbeat. You are cold. I could never live with myself if I did that. GORDON SO I HAVE TO!!! (gathers himself) Okay, what if, let's say your parents were getting mugged... BATMAN Which they never were. GORDON Right. The mugger is going to kill your parents, you either kill the mugger or your parents die. What do you do? BATMAN I use my tank, bust through a wall, throw a batarang, knock him out, take him to arkham. I'm not wearing hockey pads. GORDON You know what, that's it, next time we're in this situation, I'm not helping you. You have to kill whoever is trying to kill you yourself. BATMAN No way, not worth it. GORDON Batman, look out! Reveal penguin slowly charging Batman, from a ways back, brandishing a TRIDENT. PENGUIN NO ONE BESTS A COBBLEPOT! They wait for the penguin to get closer, playing a game of "you kill him " chicken. BATMAN Not doing it. GORDON Well I'm not either. BATMAN How are the kids? Penguin gets within striking distance of Batman. PENGUIN YEAHHHH! GORDON Goddamnit. Gordon nonchalantly draws his revolver and fires, knocking Penguin back. BATMAN How did he get a trident? GORDON It doesn't matter. (then) BATMAN, LOOK OUT! Penguin charges Batman again, limping from his injuries and brandishing just his fists this time. PENGUIN I'll (gasp) get you, caped (gasp) crusader! GORDON (drops his gun) It's all you. I'm out. BATMAN I'll meet this foe head-on, and uphold my moral high-ground. Batman swings around to meet the Penguin, accidentally hitting him in the face with his fist. A SNAP OF A NECK. Penguin collapses to the floor, lying unnaturally askew. BATMAN (CONT'D) Is he? GORDON Looks like it. BATMAN Oh no. Batman leaps onto Penguins body and begins CPR. GORDON C'mon! You realize this guy has tried to kill you four times in the past five minutes, right? BATMAN Must...not...kill. GORDON I'm just glad I didn't kill him, that would have been horrible. If I killed him. But I didn't. You did. Batman does mouth to mouth. Penguin coughs and awakens. BATMAN He's alive! GORDON Shit. PENGUIN DIE! Penguin tries to stab Batman with his ice pick, but BANG!, a bullet goes through his head. Reveal Gordon with a smoking gun. BATMAN That's totally on you. Gordon leaves, exasperated. END.