Guns don't kill people. Batman does.
By Front Page Films
INT. BANK VAULT - DAY
THE PENGUIN stabs a lifeless SWAT OFFICER over and over with
an ICE PICK.
The Penguin isn't the top hat and monocled man from the
comics, he's a tortured maniac with severe phocomelia: He
wears an ill-fitting, bloody tuxedo and his wispy hair
frames an asymmetrical face with nonexistent ears. The hand
gripping the ice pick has only 3 fleshy digits. His voice is
a manhole cover scraping concrete.
Surrounding him are more dead SWAT and COMMISSIONER GORDON,
who is against a wall, blood matting hair around a head
You're never going to get out of
Be quiet and wait your turn.
The penguin stabs the dead SWAT again. Now he's just having
BATMAN steps into the vault. Even the Dark Knight is fazed
by the bloodbath.
Get him, Batman.
Yes, come get me, Batman!
Penguin charges Batman, ice pick-first. With a flourish of
his cape, SMASH, Batman elbows Penguin in the back of the
neck, knocking him out cold.
Batman helps Gordon up.
I owe you one, Batman.
Looks like Arkham has one more
It's more than he deserves.
In the background, Penguin stirs, grabs a SWAT's SIDEARM and
aims it at Batman.
Batman! Watch out!
Gordon quickly draws his REVOLVER and fires at Penguin,
hitting him in the shoulder, flooring him.
Looks like we're even.
Yeah, about that, why didn't you
kill him when he was trying to stab
No Killing. No guns.
Right...so you knock them out and
then when they inevitably wake up,
I have to kill them?
The blood is on my hands?
Gordon, if I started killing
I'm the murderer?
If I started killing all willy-
nilly, Gotham would turn on me.
You have a mask! No one knows who
you are! I have to live with the
fact that everyone knows I have
I have rules, Gordon.
Oh, right, your precious rules. Why
is it that you don't kill again?
Uh...honor...and my fear of bats...
You don't know, do you?
Oh! I know...it's because ever
since my parents...didn't die by
Wait, you're parents are dead?
No...they are very alive...I'm
Batman so I can avenge the death of
my pet bats, Pear and Ents.
Batman, look out!
Penguin charges Batman with a grenade in his hand.
DIE, BATMAN, DIE!
Gordon draws his revolver and fires, flinging Penguin
backwards, the grenade flying out of his hand and into the
other room behind him. BOOM!
See? This is what I'm talking
Wow. You just offed him. In a
hearbeat. You are cold. I could
never live with myself if I did
SO I HAVE TO!!!
Okay, what if, let's say your
parents were getting mugged...
Which they never were.
Right. The mugger is going to kill
your parents, you either kill the
mugger or your parents die. What do
I use my tank, bust through a wall,
throw a batarang, knock him out,
take him to arkham. I'm not wearing
You know what, that's it, next time
we're in this situation, I'm not
helping you. You have to kill
whoever is trying to kill you
No way, not worth it.
Batman, look out!
Reveal penguin slowly charging Batman, from a ways back,
brandishing a TRIDENT.
NO ONE BESTS A COBBLEPOT!
They wait for the penguin to get closer, playing a game of
"you kill him " chicken.
Not doing it.
Well I'm not either.
How are the kids?
Penguin gets within striking distance of Batman.
Gordon nonchalantly draws his revolver and fires, knocking
How did he get a trident?
It doesn't matter.
BATMAN, LOOK OUT!
Penguin charges Batman again, limping from his injuries and
brandishing just his fists this time.
I'll (gasp) get you, caped
(drops his gun)
It's all you. I'm out.
I'll meet this foe head-on, and
uphold my moral high-ground.
Batman swings around to meet the Penguin, accidentally
hitting him in the face with his fist. A SNAP OF A NECK.
Penguin collapses to the floor, lying unnaturally askew.
Looks like it.
Batman leaps onto Penguins body and begins CPR.
C'mon! You realize this guy has
tried to kill you four times in the
past five minutes, right?
I'm just glad I didn't kill him,
that would have been horrible. If I
killed him. But I didn't. You did.
Batman does mouth to mouth. Penguin coughs and awakens.
Penguin tries to stab Batman with his ice pick, but BANG!, a
bullet goes through his head.
Reveal Gordon with a smoking gun.
That's totally on you.
Gordon leaves, exasperated.