Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM DAY
DAMIAN presents for the class.
And that is why I couldn't finish
You didn't need to announce that to
the class. OK, next up - and dammit
I forgot my earplugs - Ms. Olsen.
MARY-KATE takes the stage.
My presentation is on the Wig
Party. I went to a wig party last
weekend. I won best wig!
Mary-Kate: the Whig Party has to do
Oh, but it DID. I only won best wig
after I lobbied for it and demanded
a recount. Sorry, Jeremy, but the
people have spoken.
Jeremy storms out of the classroom.
Here's a list of parties I've been
to this year: after parties, pre
parties, after after parties, pre
pre parties, and after parties pre
after parties, otherwise known
This color graph shows time ar
party and how much I remember said
party. As you can see, midnights
are a little gray, and 3ams are
totally blacked out. Here are the
redacted police reports from those
parties, which are also totally
Why don't I stop this? Why don't I
feel I have that power?
This is a picture of my cat. It is
the cutest. But here's what's
interesting: this is a picture of
my cat in a BOWTIE. It is ALSO the
cutest. How can both pictures be
cutest? Doesn't the word "cutest"
demand that one picture be cuter
than the other? These are the
questions that keep me up at night,
on adderall, taking pictures of my
You're a mess.
I would now like to direct your
attention to the back of the room,
where Fat Professor is rolling his
eyes. Fat professor rolls his eyes
a LOT. How many calories are lost
in an eye-roll? Zero. Makes sense,
I don't eat complex breads!
This is the floorplan to my
apartment. It has 26 bedrooms. If I
added two bedrooms per week for 30
weeks, taking every third week off
for a slumber party, would you guys
come to those slumber parties?
BEcause I have a shitload of
Here's the invite to the slumber
party, here's the invite to the
slumber-after-party, and here's
both parties added to the list from
This is a Snapchat from Jake
Gyllenhaal. Snapchat tells the
person if you take a screenshot of
your phone, but it doesn't tell
them if you take a screenshot with
a second phone, or a third phone,
or the CIA, or a fourth phone. The
point is, I have a lot of phones.
And friends at the CIA.
I'll expose you!
Let's say Fat Professor and Kate
Upton went on a blind date. This
line graph shows how much she would
laugh. See right here? This is when
it becomes less funny to her, and
then all of a sudden more funny
again. This ebs and flows, until
she finally stops laughing, says a
loud "NO THANK YOU," and then
drives away in her limousine.
Let's get this out there: I'm a
In conclusion, you should now all
be getting Snapchats from me.
They're of Fat Professor eating
Taco Bell in the backseat of his
Professor goes on a tear, snatching away phones and throwing
What?! NO. STOP! Let me see- This
one's expired. Who hasn't?!- NOBODY
CLICK ANYTHING. QUICK, EVERYONE,
PHONES TO ME. PHONES TO ME.