Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CLASSROOM DAY DAMIAN presents for the class. DAMIAN And that is why I couldn't finish my presentation. PROFESSOR You didn't need to announce that to the class. OK, next up - and dammit I forgot my earplugs - Ms. Olsen. MARY-KATE takes the stage. MARY-KATE My presentation is on the Wig Party. I went to a wig party last weekend. I won best wig! PROFESSOR Mary-Kate: the Whig Party has to do with POLITICS. MARY-KATE Oh, but it DID. I only won best wig after I lobbied for it and demanded a recount. Sorry, Jeremy, but the people have spoken. JEREMY Corruption! Jeremy storms out of the classroom. MARY-KATE Here's a list of parties I've been to this year: after parties, pre parties, after after parties, pre pre parties, and after parties pre after parties, otherwise known as... (finger quotes) "Parties." Next slide. MARY-KATE This color graph shows time ar party and how much I remember said party. As you can see, midnights are a little gray, and 3ams are totally blacked out. Here are the redacted police reports from those parties, which are also totally blacked out. PROFESSOR Why don't I stop this? Why don't I feel I have that power? MARY-KATE This is a picture of my cat. It is the cutest. But here's what's interesting: this is a picture of my cat in a BOWTIE. It is ALSO the cutest. How can both pictures be cutest? Doesn't the word "cutest" demand that one picture be cuter than the other? These are the questions that keep me up at night, on adderall, taking pictures of my cat. LIMOR You're a mess. MARY-KATE I would now like to direct your attention to the back of the room, where Fat Professor is rolling his eyes. Fat professor rolls his eyes a LOT. How many calories are lost in an eye-roll? Zero. Makes sense, doesn't it? PROFESSOR I don't eat complex breads! MARY-KATE This is the floorplan to my apartment. It has 26 bedrooms. If I added two bedrooms per week for 30 weeks, taking every third week off for a slumber party, would you guys come to those slumber parties? BEcause I have a shitload of bedrooms. Next slide. MARY-KATE Here's the invite to the slumber party, here's the invite to the slumber-after-party, and here's both parties added to the list from before. Next slide. MARY-KATE This is a Snapchat from Jake Gyllenhaal. Snapchat tells the person if you take a screenshot of your phone, but it doesn't tell them if you take a screenshot with a second phone, or a third phone, or the CIA, or a fourth phone. The point is, I have a lot of phones. And friends at the CIA. Jeremy re-enters. JEREMY I'll expose you! He exits. MARY-KATE Let's say Fat Professor and Kate Upton went on a blind date. This line graph shows how much she would laugh. See right here? This is when it becomes less funny to her, and then all of a sudden more funny again. This ebs and flows, until she finally stops laughing, says a loud "NO THANK YOU," and then drives away in her limousine. PROFESSOR Let's get this out there: I'm a buck ninety-five! MARY-KATE In conclusion, you should now all be getting Snapchats from me. They're of Fat Professor eating Taco Bell in the backseat of his car. Professor goes on a tear, snatching away phones and throwing them around. PROFESSOR What?! NO. STOP! Let me see- This one's expired. Who hasn't?!- NOBODY CLICK ANYTHING. QUICK, EVERYONE, PHONES TO ME. PHONES TO ME. END.