How we imagine Morgan Freeman spends his lunch break on a movie set.
By Owen Parsons and Vincent Peone
INT. SET - CRAFT SERVICES TABLE MORGAN FREEMAN approaches the buffet table. We see his POV. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Ten minutes until I have to be back on set. Let's see what kind of spread we have at the craft table. Morgan scans the table. It is piled high with prime foods. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Not bad. Then again, anything's better the food on the Bucket List set. They just backed a truckload of taco bell up to the dressing rooms. I'll forever be haunted by the sight of Jack Nicholson deep throating a half-dozen gorditas. He approaches an OMELETTE-BAR MAN and another CATERER, talking behind an omelette bar. They both notice him. CATERER (under his breath) Oh shit, not again! Caterer books it outta there. OBM regains his composure. OMELETTE-BAR MAN Good morning again, Mr. Freeman. Can I interest you in an omelette? OBM gestures to a row of various omelette fillings. MORGAN FREEMAN Yes, I'll have one with onions... mushrooms... and triple helpings of everything else. OMELETTE-BAR MAN (whispering) Sir, my boss said I wasn't supposed to make any more "Morgan Freeman Specials." MORGAN FREEMAN I see. Why don't you, me and Andy Jackson keep this a secret, then? Morgan hands him a $20 bill. OMELETTE-BAR MAN Yes sir, Mr. Freeman. Right away. He empties an entire carton of eggs into the pan. Meanwhile, Morgan grabs a plate and starts filling it up. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) All right, let's load up on acting fuel. Teensy carrots. A stack of finger sammies. Baby quiches. Make room, boys, it's a party. He spies a bin of yogurt-covered almonds. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Oh, bonus! Yogurt-covered almonds. Those are a jacket snack. He pours the almonds into his jacket pocket. He looks up to see a young FAN standing a few feet away, staring at him. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Go on. Say something. I'm Morgan Goddamn Freeman. FAN I'm sorry, I'm a huge fan. Do you think I could get a picture? MORGAN FREEMAN Well, I- FAN Thanks so much! Morgan sets his plate down. Fan sidles up next to him and aims a camera at arms length. She snaps the pic, then shows him the screen. Morgan Freeman is smiling next to the Fan. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Woof. Baaaad freckle day. No, wait- He picks something off his face. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) That's a poppy seed. He nibbles it up, then picks up his plate again. He loads more food onto it, leading him to a chocolate fountain. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O) My stars, a chocolate fountain... Well, I'm trying to be good, but I suppose a little dip can't hurt. He picks up a strawberry from the plate in front of the fountain, drops it in a solo cup and fills the solo cup with chocolate fountain drizzle. He whistles as he places the overflowing chocolate cup onto his plate. He passes by a large cheese plate. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Oh, a cheese plate. Perfect. He dumps his paper plate full of snacks onto the cheese tray, then picks the cheese tray up and moves over to a shrimp cocktail station. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Mmm, shrimp look a little undercooked. Let's see... He skewers a bunch of shrimp with a fork and holds them over a nearby burner. The shrimp sizzle. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) A true conniseur uses every part of the craft table. Let's get a nice char on that. Then, into the chocolate fountain... He dunks the burnt shrimp skewer into the chocolate fountain & drops the whole mess on his plate. Omelette Bar Man reappears with a FOOTBALL-SIZED OMELETTE. OMELETTE-BAR MAN Your omelette, sir. MORGAN FREEMAN Great. Just lay that in this little cheese nest here. Morgan holds up his plate. OBM delicately slides the massive omelette on top of evertything else. He turns to leave. MORGAN FREEMAN (stopping him) Oh, and for the second omelette, let's go with egg whites only, okay? Gotta watch my figure. OBM hurries away. Morgan looks down the table. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Something's still missing... He spots a deli tray a few feet away, covered in ham rolls. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.) Bingo. Ham tubes. Meat's most delicious shape. No breakfast is complete without a handfull. He moves toward it. THE DIRECTOR appears in front of him. DIRECTOR Morgan! Hey! Real quick, can we chat about this next scene? MORGAN FREEMAN Uh, I... DIRECTOR Great. It's really important to me that we... Director's voice fades to a murmur as Morgan's gaze moves past him to the ham tubes. They now appear to be an IMPOSSIBLE DISTANCE farther down the table. Some ham tubes stand up and begin dancing around like little puppets. HAM TUBE 1 Help us, Morgan! We're so cold and lonely on this tray! HAM TUBE 2 Please, warm us with your mouth! Hug us with your esophagus! HAM TUBES Help us! / Save us! / Help! DIRECTOR So what do you think about- MORGAN FREEMAN That's great. Excuse me. Morgan puts his hand on Director's face and pushes him out of the way. MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O) I'm coming, my hammy little friends! I'm- huh? He reaches the end of the table, but the ham plate is EMPTY. MORGAN FREEMAN What? No... NO! He looks around. Reveal: A Jack-Nicholson lookalike sits at a table, housing the entire plate of ham tubes. MORGAN FREEMAN NICHOLSOOOOOOOOON!!! End.