Ancient, slumbering gods prefer to stay ancient and slumbering.
By Kevin Corrigan & Owen Parsons
EXT. ANCIENT TEMPLE - DAY An APOCALYPTIC COMET barrels down on an ancient mayan-esque village. A HIGH PRIEST watches solemnly with his companions. HIGH PRIEST The time of prophecy has arrived. We have no choice. We must summon our guardian from his ancient slumber. He turns. We reveal two GIANT DOORS set in the mountainside. High Priest removes a giant gem from around his neck and places it inside the lock. It turns, and the giant doors slowly slide open. HIGH PRIEST Arise, great one! Rise from the sleep of eons! Rise up, and save your people from destruction! Arise, great SNORVO! Two giant glowing eyes open up in the darkness. Dramatic music starts, then cuts as the eyes close again. SNORVO Five more minutes. HIGH PRIEST What? Light the ceremonial torches. An ACOLYTE flips a giant stone light switch. A bunch of fancy torches alight, bathing chamber in light. Reveal: SNORVO, a giant stone guardian, sprawled out on a giant stone bed. He groans and pulls the blanket over his head. HIGH PRIEST Snorvo, the hour is at hand. We need your help! SNORVO Ugh. It sooo early. HIGH PRIEST Please, ancient one! Uh, ancient one? Snorvo doesn't move. Audible snoring. High Priest sighs. HIGH PRIEST (pointing to acolytes) You three. Rouse our champion from his slumber. THREE ACOLYTES walks forward with a big ceremonial staff. One raises it up dramatically, then pokes Snorvo with it. They all chant. ACOLYTES Rise and shine. Rise and shine. Snorvo blindly reaches out and FLATTENS Acolytes with his hand. SNORVO Snooze. HIGH PRIEST Please, Snorvo, a meteor is headed right for our village! If you don't do something, we'll all die! Beat. SNORVO How big meteor? HIGH PRIEST Big enough to boil our oceans! To turn our civilization to ash! SNORVO Ngh. Can't Tim do it? Tim is tall. Snorvo points to Tim, a gangly Acolyte. HIGH PRIEST Remove the ancient blanket! Acolytes work together to pull a giant blanket off Snorvo. SNORVO Noooooo! Snorvo hates you. Snorvo curls into a ball and covers head with pillow. Snorvo is wearing pajama bottoms. HIGH PRIEST Great Snorvo. Our ancestors imbued you with ancient magics, so that you might slumber until the day when you were needed. SNORVO Ugh. Snorvo slept really badly. Mountain kept poking Snorvo in the back... HIGH PRIEST Snorvo- SNORVO ...Snorvo had a bad dream about school. Snorvo not even go to school, why still have dream? HIGH PRIEST Snorvo! SNORVO Also Snorvo up really late. Only get 6,000 years sleep. Snorvo need at least 8,000- EVERYONE SNORVO! Snorvo gives a VERY LONG SIGH. SNORVO Fine. Snorvo dramatically rises up from his slumber. He swings his two huge legs out from the bed and places them heavily on the floor. He shrieks, and jumps back in bed! SNORVO Ooh! Cold floor! Too cold! HIGH PRIEST Fetch the Great Slippers of Grimdius. Reveal: 12 Acolytes pulling giant stone bunny slippers with a rope up the temple steps. The rope snaps and the slippers slide down, flattening a hut. SNORVO It is so warm and cozy in here. Plus, it is raining. Maybe meteor canceled. HIGH PRIEST It's raining fire! SNORVO Yes. Definitely indoor day. HIGH PRIEST Great guardian, what can we do to help you rise? SNORVO (thoughtfully) Snorvo requires coffee. (beat) and waffles. HIGH PRIEST We don't have time! Armageddon is almost upon us! Snorvo doesn't respond. Priest sighs. HIGH PRIEST Look, if you stop the meteor now, we'll take you out to brunch after. SNORVO (after beat) Where brunch? HIGH PRIEST That place that does the breakfast quesadillas? With the goat cheese? SNORVO (ultra dramatically) Then Snorvo shall rise! Snorvo dramatically rises from his bed. His footsteps shake the earth as he passes through the giant doors. He powers up and LEAPS up into the sky directly at the oncoming meteor. The villagers all cheer. HIGH PRIEST Thank you, Snorvo. You've saved us all. Snorvo rockets through the air towards the meteor. As he does, he is bathed in the red heat of the meteor around him. SNORVO Uhf. So warm. So... cozy... Snorvo drifts off to sleep in midair & starts snoring. The meteor CRASHES into him (not waking him) and they both CRASH into the Earth. Everyone dies. (The ultimate) END.