Adam is handed an assignment that's as difficult as ABC.
By Adam Conover & Kevin Corrigan
INT. ADAM'S DESK Sam approaches Adam's desk. SAM Adam, an assignment. All afternoon, author an amusing act arranged all alphabetically. (he holds up a printout of the alphabet) After achievement, all actors around are awarded an Apple Airport! He holds up an Apple Airport Express router. Then leaves. ADAM (rolls his eyes) Bugger. Big boss's burden beggars belief. From his desk, Kevin agrees. KEVIN Correct. Consistent consonants cause crap comedy. Emily walks up. EMILY Dudes, dare Daniel: display dangling Dan dick! ADAM Dared. KEVIN Double dog dared. DAN Emily! Embarrassing. EMILY Fine. Forget Flaccid Friday, fuckface. Josh RUSHES in. JOSH Guys, Google "Gina Gershon." Kevin is on it. KEVIN How hastily? JOSH Immediately. It's infinitely important. iPhone, iPad, iMacs -- if it's Internet interconnected, inquire in it, I insist! ADAM Jumpin' jehosaphat! (lecherously) Juicy jiggling jubblies. Jackin' junction! Kevin brings in a plate of donuts. KEVIN Krispy Kremes! Emily takes an eclair. EMILY Lunch! Looooove lickin' lemony logs! Dan comes for the donuts but steps on something. A bunch of shattered DVDs are beneath his feet, including "TED", "Boogie Nights", and "The Fighter." ADAM Mamma Mia! My Marky Mark movies! DAN Nerd. KEVIN Okay, okay -- official office ... office ... A guy, QUINN, pops his head around a corner. QUINN Proclamation? KEVIN Quiet, Quinn! Quick question. Queen? (Kevin holds up a crown) Quevin qualifies! He puts the crown on his head. Emily points to the "KEVIN CORRIGAN" nameplate on Kevin's desk. EMILY Really? Read regularly? KEVIN (deflated) Spelling's so strenuous. Adam looks at the alphabet sheet from before. He sees that "TUVWXYZ" are left. ADAM Trouble, team! Tough times threatening! Take thesaurus terminology to ten! EMILY Uh -- uh -- She sees a pair of underpants floating in a bucket. EMILY Unclean underwear undulating underwater! Dan is canoodling with a vacuum cleaner. DAN Virgin vacuum vehemently vibrating! (caressing it) Veeeery voluptuous. JOSH (to Kevin) What were we wearing when we went whaling Wednesday? KEVIN Xylophones. Kevin shows him a picture of the two of them on a whaling ship holding harpoons and wearing xylophones. Adam yells at Sam. ADAM Yo, you yutz. Yonder yarn yields yuk-yuks yet! SAM Zounds! Zany, zippy zingers! ZAP! He waves a magic wand. A pile of Airport Expresses appear on the table. Everyone cheers! EVERYONE One one one one one one one! ADAM (to camera) TWO-dle-oo!