By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. CONFESSIONAL PLUM My name is Plum. I'm six-year-old and I'm a beauty queen. INT. CAR - DAY Mama and Plum drive. PLUM (VO) My mama dries me around to pageants. Mama shaves her armpits. MAMA I shouldn't be doin' this. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA (CONT.) She's my precious plum. GRAPHIC: PRECIOUS PLUM INTRO EXT. CAR - DAY The car drives along. MAMA (VO) Today Plum's competin' t'be Tallahassee Tiny Hussy in the basement of a shut-down Staples. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA (CONT.) Now we been drivin' for a hundred and four hours because I got lost a fuck a times, so, we're pretty tired. INT. CAR - DAY MAMA Here y'go, baby. PLUM What is it? MAMA It's Monster energy drink, frappuccino, and Dayquil. PLUM It stings my inside neck. MAMA Yeah, it'll do that. Plum throws up into the drink. MAMA Aw, that's alright, baby. Here: mix it up. Mama mixes it up with the straw. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA If I tossed out every drink she puked up, I'd toss out every drink she ever drunk, so, yeah, she drinks some puke some. INT. CAR - DAY It tastes like pizza. MAMA Well, that was breakfast. Mama turns on the radio. Bad techno music plays. MAMA (CONT.) You wanna practice your dance? Plum starts spazzing out in a caffein rush. After a few wild moves, she falls out the window. Mama pays no attention. MAMA Good. Good job baby. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA Now I don' have eyes in the back of my melon, so I didn't realize Plum had danced outta the car right away or for four hours after. So when I saw she wasn't there, I was like, fuck my biscuit, and then I did what any good show mom would do: I got ready to go on myself. INT. CAR - DAY Mama, now wearing a tiara, applies lipstick in the rear view mirror. A car beeps at her. MAMA (yelling out window) TAKE IT EASY! I'M A FUCKIN' PRINCESS! INT. CONFESSIONAL PLUM I seen Mama hitchhike, so I knew just what to do. EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY Plum flashes oncoming traffic while hooting and hollering. A good Samaritan stops and rolls down his window, concerned. MAN Where are your parents? PLUM My mama told me to give this to anyone if I got lost. She hands him a slip of paper. It reads, "Keep it?" The man looks at camera. MAN You're not going to do anything about this? All of you filming this? This is OK to you? EXT. STAPLES - DUSK Over the following, we see shots of the man driving up and Plum hopping out of the car. MAMA (VO) So, as it turns out, a nice man brought Plum to the competition in the Nickelback of time. And she got first place! Which was great for her. We reveal that Mama is totally dolled up. MAMA The bad news is, I got in fourth. Or I would have, I think, if there was a fourth. Which there was not. So. We zoom out to reveal that Plum has an enormous trophy. Mama tries to take it. PLUM (snapping) You touch this, I call a social worker. MAMA Mmmkay. END.