From CH Staff on
The author behind the Red Wedding gets medieval on our asses.
By CH Staff
TITLE: THREE MINUTES WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN GEORGE R.R. MARTIN sips from a goblet & looks up from his book. His monologue is punctuated with lots of JUMP CUTS, CLOSE-UPs, and silly B-ROLL. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Recently I've been receiving some "e-ravens" on Twitter about the events of the Red Wedding! A raven "caw"s OS and drops a scroll to George. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Thanks Copernicus! Ahem: "OMG I'M DONE WATCHING GAME OF THRONES! GEORGE RR MARTIN IS SICK!" He shakes his head. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN I'm sorry you feel that way! You know what always cheers me up? A nice cup of warm cocoa. He holds up a MUG of hot chocolate. His eyes widen. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Oh, look! And it's in your favorite mug. The one you've treasured and grown attached to. He SMASHES the mug. INTENSE CLOSE UP on Martin. He seethes. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN It's gone now! You loved it and I took it away. That's what I do! Back to normal. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Heck, I understand why you're upset, Internet. You embraced my show, just like you embraced Ryan Gosling and Benedict Cumberbatch who, by the by, I murdered and baked into these two pies. Another intense CU on Martin. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Your sorrow is my playground. Your tears, the fountain I frolic in. Back to normal. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Don't worry. There are still plenty of heroic Stark children... left to eliminate. Let's read ahead... In a series of cuts, George looks through a book and outlines the fate of the Starks. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Sansa's dress catches on fire. She dies. // Jon Snow is crushed by a big rock. He dies. // A wizard turns Bran into a bug. He gets squashed. He dies. // Aria decides to give up her revenge and begs Joffrey to go on a date with her. He doesn't. He kills her. She dies. // And Rickon Stark... who's Rickon? (reads book) Is he the... Ah, who cares. George is tangled in his suspenders. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Guys. I'm stuck in my suspenders. Cut to later. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Keep testing me. I'm the one with the pen! Maybe Tyrion, Davos and Brienne go over a cliff in a wagon. Land on Daenerys. Her dragons die of broken hearts. I could write that. Close-up: GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Also, here are the characters whose dicks get chopped off: An extremely long list of names scrolls downscreen rapidly (too fast to read) as "Spanish Flea" plays. Hold for a long time. Martin waits patiently. Intense close-up: GEORGE R.R. MARTIN I write it and it's real! I am the Red God! And not just because of this rash. He starts to lift his shirt. We CUT TO a "Censored" screen. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Why does everyone care about the Starks so much? King Joffrey's the good guy! Martin caresses his beard deviously. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Even now, I'm plotting devious ways too- (distracted by something in his beard) Oh! It's a Matchbox car. I think my nephew was looking for this. Martin holds up a tray of nachos. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN So from now on, every complaint I hear is another plate of nachos I put away. No way my arteries hold out for another two books. Every chip is another page I won't write! He dangles chips into his mouth one at a time. GEORGE R.R. MARTIN Mmmm. That was Danerys finally sailing to Westeros. Mmm. And this one's Jon Snow meeting his true mother. Mmm, cheesy! And this one's, got jalepeno on it. These are good. Why was I talking? He's distracted by the nachos; continues eating them. VINNIE (with headphones) enters frame. VINNIE George? G-george? TITLE: THREE MINUTES WITH GEORGE R.R. MARTIN END.