By Sam Reich & Elaine Carroll
INT. CONFESSIONAL PLUM My name is Plum. I'm six years old and I'm a beauty queen. INT. CAR - DAY Mama and Plum drive. PLUM (VO) My mama dries me around to pageants. Mama has a mouth full of fries and Plum squirts a ketchup packet into her mouth. MAMA Give us a squirt. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA (CONT.) She's my precious plum. GRAPHIC: PRECIOUS PLUM INTRO EXT. CAR - NIGHT The car drives along. MAMA (VO) Today Plum's competin' for Best Drifter Midriff under a bridge by that big mural of a dick. INT. CONFESSIONAL MAMA We're over here and it's the fuck over there, so, we're gonna have to drive through the night. INT. CAR - NIGHT MAMA Precious. Precious, baby, wake up. PLUM Ugh... MAMA I'm real tired. I'm gonna need you to scream at me. PLUM Mama, no! MAMA Fine! You'll crash and die and hell and burn for not screamin' at your mama like she ask. Plum sighs, then screams. PLUM AAAAAHHHHH! MAMA Yeeeah! INT. CONFESSIONAL PLUM Mama takes a pill t'stay awake, and a pill t'go t'sleep, but if she takes another either, her heart a'splodes. She makes a heart explode sound. INT. CAR - NIGHT PLUM AAAAAHHHHH! MAMA S'not working, baby. Let's find a place to spend the night. EXT. CAR - NIGHT She yanks the car over to the side of the road. INT. CAR - NIGHT Over the following, we see Mama set up the backseat of the car like a bed. MAMA (VO) Now I'm a voluptipotimus lady, so I need the master bedroom. But don't you worry: Plum's all set up in the trunk. Mama opens up the trunk to reveal that Plum has set it up like a girl's bedroom, with a bed, collages, trophies, etc. Mama sits on the bumper, making a bedtime story out of the car owner's manual. MAMA (reading) To set the clock in your Kia Rio, hold the hour button until it changes, and then do the same for the minute hand. And they lived happily ever after. PLUM Another! MAMA That's enough for tonight. PLUM But I'm not tired anymore! MAMA Then practice your song for tomorrow. Over the following, Mama closes the trunk and retreats to the backseat. PLUM My name is Plum / Like the vegetable / I'm six years old / I'm cute as shit. INT. CONFESSIONAL WALDO, a hick we've never seen before, sits down and looks uncomfortable. INTERVIEWER (OS) State your name, please? WALDO My name is Waldo Rasdow. I'm the owner of Waldo's Tows. EXT. CAR - DAY Over the following, we see Waldo hitch up Mama's car to his tow truck and pull it away. WALDO (VO) This particular stretch of highway... there's always cars abandoned. We take 'em to the junkyard and convert 'em to scrap metal. Over the following, we peer inside the window to reveal Mama, a blob of blankets, and zoom out to reveal the car is high on a crane magnet. WALDO (VO) Y'understand: that pile of blankets in the backseat was too large to be human. It never even crossed my mind. Waldo exchanges money with STAN, the junkyard owner. PLUM (singing from inside trunk) My name is Plum / Like the vegetable... WALDO Whoa, shit. STAN Stop the crane! The crane stops. PLUM (singing from inside trunk) I'm six years old. I'm cute as shit. Waldo looks exasperatedly at the camera. WALDO When were y'all gonna say somethin'?! INT. CONFESSIONAL WALDO I mean, to crush living people inside of a car... I can't go through that for a third time. EXT. JUNKYARD - DAY Mama and Plum address the camera. MAMA So we missed the competition, BUT in exchange for keepin' our bear traps shut, they gave us all seventy-five of these dollars, and a crapload of books for Plum! (reading) Changing a Tire on a Nissan Versa. PLUM I bet it gets changed. MAMA Well, we'll have to wait and see! END.