From CH Staff on
The Pope's first day at work is as bad as yours.
By Adam Conover
EXT. VATICAN Everything is from the Pope's POV. The Pope stands in front of a big ornamented door at a cathedral. POPE (to himself) Okay, Francis, here we go. Big first day. No reason to be nervous, if they didn't like you they wouldn't have asked you to be Pope. He checks his watch. It's 10:20. POPE Oh no, twenty minutes late. I shouldn't have stopped for coffee. He takes a sip of coffee from a giant Starbucks cup he's holding. The barista has written "POP FRONCHIS" on it. POPE Dios mio, I have to pee so bad. Okay, here we go... He pushes open the door. Inside is a bustling cathedral. Priests, cardinals and nuns walk to and fro without noticing Francis. POPE Uh, okay. Not sure who to talk to ... He looks back and forth. Eventually he spots a nun at a small "welcome" desk talking on the phone. He approaches her nervously. POPE Is she a receptionist? She kind of looks like a receptionist. (out loud) POPE Um -- NUN (like a snarky corporate girl) Uch, can I help you? POPE I'm supposed to start today. (after a pause) I'm the new Pope. NUN Uch, that's not really my department. I'm a nun? Do you know who hired you? POPE Uh, I forget his name... he was European? Kind of old? White? (to himself) Does that even narrow it down? NUN (pointing) Giuseppe Bertollo, over there. Byeeeee. Francis approaches a nearby old man, CARDINAL GIUSEPPE, who's leafing through a bible. GIUSEPPE (condescendingly) Your Holiness. SO good to have you on board. (appraising Francis' outfit) Wow, I like your outfit, super formal, but... (close and quiet) We keep things pretty casual here. You know you don't have to wear the pope hat EVERY day, right? Francis takes off his hat. FRANCIS (to himself) How embarrassing. Giuseppe's phone rings. GIUSEPPE Sorry, today is slammed. Did you find your desk okay? FRANCIS No, where is -- GIUSEPPE (into the phone) What? I said TWO dozen Hail Marys, goddammit! He gestures to Francis -- "go on!" FRANCIS Where -- Giuseppe points forcefully down a hallway. FRANCIS Oh, okay, thanks. (to himself) That guy definitely hates me. He passes a bunch of cardinals talking and laughing around a HOLY WATER COOLER. CARDINAL ONE Did you guys go to Mass last night? Angelo here totally whiffed it! They all laugh and slap each other like a bunch of sales guys. FRANCIS (to himself) Everyone here seems like they're already friends... (out loud) Hey guys! They just stare at him like he's a homeless person. FRANCIS (to himself) Uh, guess no one told them I'm starting today. Francis goes to the door and enters. Inside is a sumptuous POPE'S OFFICE. Behind the desk is a lavish POPE THRONE. FRANCIS Wow. This is nice. He sits. The chair is way too low. FRANCIS What the -- how do you adjust this thing? He fiddles with a lever under the seat. Suddenly he tilts backwards. FRANCIS That just made the back go down. He keeps fiddling, bouncing up and down. Suddenly the chair SHOOTS up way too high. FRANCIS Agh! How is that even possible? He finally finds the height lever and lowers the seat down to normal height. He looks at the drawers. FRANCIS I wonder what the guy who worked before me kept in here. He opens a drawer. It's TOTALLY FULL OF COMMUNION WAFERS. FRANCIS Ugh! It's just full of old communion wafers! The phone on the desk starts ringing. Francis picks it up. FRANCIS Hello? The phone keeps ringing. He didn't actually pick up, apparently. FRANCIS What the? How do you use this thing? He mashes buttons on the phone randomly. Finally the call goes through. A old lady's voice is on the other line. VOICE ON PHONE (O.C.) Dear-a Pope-a Benedict. I pray to the heavenly father that -- FRANCIS Uh, sorry, Benedict doesn't work here anymore. VOICE ON PHONE (O.C.) (angrily) He doesn't? Well-a who are you? Francis panics and hits more buttons. He gets the nun from before on the other line. NUN ON PHONE (O.C.) Hello? Who is this? FRANCIS N-nobody. NUN ON PHONE (O.C.) Oh my god, you're that new Pope aren't you? Don't you know how to use your phone? Francis panics and hangs up. Giuseppe enters. GIUSEPPE Great, you got the phones working! Hey, so when you get a chance, I need your help canonizing some Saints. He dumps a folder on the desk. GIUSEPPE If you could review these martyrs and make sure they have the beatific vision of god, it would really help me out. FRANCIS Uh, I don't know what that means. GIUSEPPE Hey. You're infallible. I'm sure you'll figure it out. (snapping and leaving) Can we get these by the end of the day? Thaaaanks, Holy Father. FRANCIS (to himself) God, there's so many of these! I didn't know this job would be so stressful. Where is the bathroom in this place? He goes to the door and looks out. There's no obvious bathroom. FRANCIS I could ask someone, but that's so embarrassing. Plus it'll look like I'm not working. Maybe I can find it myself. He starts walking down the corridor. FRANCIS Just act confident, look like you know where you're going. Ah, here we go. He finds an unmarked door and enters, closing the door behind him. FRANCIS Where's the light-switch? A grating opens in the wall. A penitent is on the other side. PENITENT Bless me father, for I have sinned. FRANCIS (to himself) Oh sh-- END.