The Pope's first day at work is as bad as yours.
By Adam Conover
Everything is from the Pope's POV. The Pope stands in front
of a big ornamented door at a cathedral.
Okay, Francis, here we go. Big
first day. No reason to be nervous,
if they didn't like you they
wouldn't have asked you to be Pope.
He checks his watch. It's 10:20.
Oh no, twenty minutes late. I
shouldn't have stopped for coffee.
He takes a sip of coffee from a giant Starbucks cup he's
holding. The barista has written "POP FRONCHIS" on it.
Dios mio, I have to pee so bad.
Okay, here we go...
He pushes open the door. Inside is a bustling cathedral.
Priests, cardinals and nuns walk to and fro without noticing
Uh, okay. Not sure who to talk to
He looks back and forth. Eventually he spots a nun at a
small "welcome" desk talking on the phone. He approaches her
Is she a receptionist? She kind of
looks like a receptionist.
(like a snarky corporate girl)
Uch, can I help you?
I'm supposed to start today.
(after a pause)
I'm the new Pope.
Uch, that's not really my
department. I'm a nun? Do you know
who hired you?
Uh, I forget his name... he was
European? Kind of old? White?
Does that even narrow it down?
Giuseppe Bertollo, over there.
Francis approaches a nearby old man, CARDINAL GIUSEPPE,
who's leafing through a bible.
Your Holiness. SO good to have you
(appraising Francis' outfit)
Wow, I like your outfit, super
(close and quiet)
We keep things pretty casual here.
You know you don't have to wear the
pope hat EVERY day, right?
Francis takes off his hat.
Giuseppe's phone rings.
Sorry, today is slammed. Did you
find your desk okay?
No, where is --
(into the phone)
What? I said TWO dozen Hail Marys,
He gestures to Francis -- "go on!"
Giuseppe points forcefully down a hallway.
Oh, okay, thanks.
That guy definitely hates me.
He passes a bunch of cardinals talking and laughing around a
HOLY WATER COOLER.
Did you guys go to Mass last night?
Angelo here totally whiffed it!
They all laugh and slap each other like a bunch of sales
Everyone here seems like they're
They just stare at him like he's a homeless person.
Uh, guess no one told them I'm
Francis goes to the door and enters. Inside is a sumptuous
POPE'S OFFICE. Behind the desk is a lavish POPE THRONE.
Wow. This is nice.
He sits. The chair is way too low.
What the -- how do you adjust this
He fiddles with a lever under the seat. Suddenly he tilts
That just made the back go down.
He keeps fiddling, bouncing up and down. Suddenly the chair
SHOOTS up way too high.
Agh! How is that even possible?
He finally finds the height lever and lowers the seat down
to normal height. He looks at the drawers.
I wonder what the guy who worked
before me kept in here.
He opens a drawer. It's TOTALLY FULL OF COMMUNION WAFERS.
Ugh! It's just full of old
The phone on the desk starts ringing. Francis picks it up.
The phone keeps ringing. He didn't actually pick up,
What the? How do you use this
He mashes buttons on the phone randomly. Finally the call
goes through. A old lady's voice is on the other line.
VOICE ON PHONE (O.C.)
Dear-a Pope-a Benedict. I pray to
the heavenly father that --
Uh, sorry, Benedict doesn't work
VOICE ON PHONE (O.C.)
He doesn't? Well-a who are you?
Francis panics and hits more buttons. He gets the nun from
before on the other line.
NUN ON PHONE (O.C.)
Hello? Who is this?
NUN ON PHONE (O.C.)
Oh my god, you're that new Pope
aren't you? Don't you know how to
use your phone?
Francis panics and hangs up. Giuseppe enters.
Great, you got the phones working!
Hey, so when you get a chance, I
need your help canonizing some
He dumps a folder on the desk.
If you could review these martyrs
and make sure they have the
beatific vision of god, it would
really help me out.
Uh, I don't know what that means.
Hey. You're infallible. I'm sure
you'll figure it out.
(snapping and leaving)
Can we get these by the end of the
day? Thaaaanks, Holy Father.
God, there's so many of these! I
didn't know this job would be so
stressful. Where is the bathroom in
He goes to the door and looks out. There's no obvious
I could ask someone, but that's so
embarrassing. Plus it'll look like
I'm not working. Maybe I can find
He starts walking down the corridor.
Just act confident, look like you
know where you're going. Ah, here
He finds an unmarked door and enters, closing the door
Where's the light-switch?
A grating opens in the wall. A penitent is on the other
Bless me father, for I have sinned.