From CH Staff on
In this Onassis sketch, a couple breaks up over the most romantic of sexual acts.
By Jason Saenz & Josh Ruben
INT. BAR JEREMY and his friends LAURA and RYAN sit at table chatting. RYAN And that's why I always carrying around wet wipes. They all laugh except for Jeremy. He's preoccupied. LAURA Jeremy, you usually love Ryan's "Burning Man" stories. Is everything alright? Jeremy tries to find the words. JEREMY It's Daria... we broke up. RYAN What?! What happened? LAURA Yeah! I thought you were so good for each other. JEREMY Me too! We both loved East Indian food, we both loved sneaking into the gym, but when it came down to it we just couldn't... "69". Silence. LAURA Oh, Jeremy. That's awful. RYAN I'm so sorry, dude. JEREMY Thanks guys. RYAN That's rough. Because we all know 69ing is the greatest expression of love you can show to someone. JEREMY Yeah. LAURA You staring at their genitals and them staring back at yours... RYAN You see it all. There's nothing more intimate. LAURA It's like the Ying-Yang symbol. Two pieces coming together in perfect harmony. JEREMY Exactly! And if you don't have that then what you got? Just a penis entering a vagina. There's no romance in that. LAURA Did you guys try different positions? Sometimes when I "69" I like to lay on my side. JEREMY Yeah, we tried "Sixty-Siding" but Daria's vagina was always too far away. And whenever I did manage to reach over there my dick would pop out of her mouth. RYAN You had the 6, just not the 9. JEREMY (he stands) We even tried the "Standing 69" in hopes that if she held me upside down gravity would pull my neck down far enough. But it wouldn't. You know how embarrassing it is to lick a belly button? LAURA No, no I don't. But Hey, at least you did all you could, right? RYAN Honestly, when you said you two broke up I assumed it was from Daria's heroin use. JEREMY Well, YEAH, that was awful. She would steal from me then disappear with her friends for days on end. But the 69 thing... RYAN You can't ignore that. JEREMY Right. Jeremy stares into his beer, frustrated and hurt. JEREMY (CONT'D) GOD! I just want to go down on someone while I'm getting my penis sucked on! Why is that so difficult? RYAN Hey, I know not being able to 69 sucks... JEREMY NO. That's the problem, Ryan. It doesn't SUCK. RYAN Fine, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself- (catches himself) Not HARD. You know what I mean. LAURA Jeremy, I used to think I'd never find someone I could fellate while simultaneously receiving cunnilingus from. But then I took a step back, focused on me for a while and that's when I finally met Crispen. JEREMY Wait, how can you "69"? Crispen's much taller than you. LAURA Because his dick is huge. Jeremy starts to sob. LAURA (CONT'D) Oh, Jeremy! I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure your dick is fine. JEREMY Yeah, but my tongue could be longer! I bet Richard Simmons never has a problem "69"ing! RYAN You mean Gene Simmons? JEREMY Whatever! Yeah! That guy from Kiss! Jeremy finishes the last of his beer and sighs. JEREMY (CONT'D) I'm sorry guys. I guess I'm taking this worse than I thought. LAURA I know what will cheer you up? Another round on me. Ryan, come help? RYAN Sure. (to Jeremy) Cheer up, Buddy. Laura and Ryan stand up and walk over to the bar. RYAN (CONT'D) So, Crispen's cock is huge? LAURA I could 69 him from here. Jeremy sulks. He's never felt this bad in his life. He looks around at all the other happy couples in the bar, surely they all call 69 without a problem. After a moment EMILY, a cute but somewhat aloof girl, enters and drops her right at Jeremy's feet. EMILY Oh, my god! I'm so sorry. JEREMY Here, let me get it. EMILY No, let me. She reaches down between his legs and somehow gets herself into handstand to grab the cellphone. They're now in the 69 position and fit perfectly. It's a meet cute! SFX: "KISS ME" Parody cell phone. JEREMY Hi. I'm Jeremy. EMILY (upside down) I'm Emily. JEREMY You like East Indian Food? BLACKOUT.