In this Onassis sketch, a couple breaks up over the most romantic of sexual acts.
By Jason Saenz & Josh Ruben
JEREMY and his friends LAURA and RYAN sit at table chatting.
And that's why I always carrying
around wet wipes.
They all laugh except for Jeremy. He's preoccupied.
Jeremy, you usually love Ryan's
"Burning Man" stories. Is
Jeremy tries to find the words.
It's Daria... we broke up. RYAN
What?! What happened?
Yeah! I thought you were so good
for each other.
Me too! We both loved East Indian
food, we both loved sneaking into
the gym, but when it came down to
it we just couldn't... "69".
Oh, Jeremy. That's awful.
I'm so sorry, dude.
That's rough. Because we all know
69ing is the greatest expression of
love you can show to someone.
You staring at their genitals and
them staring back at yours...
You see it all. There's nothing
It's like the Ying-Yang symbol. Two
pieces coming together in perfect
Exactly! And if you don't have that
then what you got? Just a penis
entering a vagina. There's no
romance in that.
Did you guys try different
positions? Sometimes when I "69" I
like to lay on my side.
Yeah, we tried "Sixty-Siding" but
Daria's vagina was always too far
away. And whenever I did manage to
reach over there my dick would pop
out of her mouth.
You had the 6, just not the 9.
We even tried the "Standing 69" in
hopes that if she held me upside
down gravity would pull my neck
down far enough. But it wouldn't.
You know how embarrassing it is to
lick a belly button?
No, no I don't. But Hey, at least
you did all you could, right?
Honestly, when you said you two
broke up I assumed it was from
Daria's heroin use.
Well, YEAH, that was awful. She
would steal from me then disappear
with her friends for days on end.
But the 69 thing...
You can't ignore that.
Jeremy stares into his beer, frustrated and hurt.
GOD! I just want to go down on
someone while I'm getting my penis
sucked on! Why is that so
Hey, I know not being able to 69
NO. That's the problem, Ryan. It
Fine, but you shouldn't be so hard
on yourself- (catches himself) Not
HARD. You know what I mean.
Jeremy, I used to think I'd never
find someone I could fellate while
cunnilingus from. But then I took a
step back, focused on me for a
while and that's when I finally met
Wait, how can you "69"? Crispen's
much taller than you.
Because his dick is huge.
Jeremy starts to sob.
Oh, Jeremy! I didn't mean it like
that. I'm sure your dick is fine.
Yeah, but my tongue could be
longer! I bet Richard Simmons never
has a problem "69"ing!
You mean Gene Simmons?
Whatever! Yeah! That guy from Kiss!
Jeremy finishes the last of his beer and sighs.
I'm sorry guys. I guess I'm taking
this worse than I thought.
I know what will cheer you up?
Another round on me. Ryan, come
Sure. (to Jeremy) Cheer up, Buddy.
Laura and Ryan stand up and walk over to the bar.
So, Crispen's cock is huge?
I could 69 him from here.
Jeremy sulks. He's never felt this bad in his life. He looks
around at all the other happy couples in the bar, surely
they all call 69 without a problem. After a moment EMILY, a
cute but somewhat aloof girl, enters and drops her right at
Oh, my god! I'm so sorry.
Here, let me get it.
No, let me.
She reaches down between his legs and somehow gets herself
into handstand to grab the cellphone. They're now in the 69
position and fit perfectly. It's a meet cute!
SFX: "KISS ME" Parody cell phone.
Hi. I'm Jeremy.
(upside down) I'm Emily.
You like East Indian Food?