In this week's "Adventures of Kim Jong Un," our most glorious leader uses nuclear weapons for their original purpose: helping children.
By Ben Joseph
ABBREVIATED TITLE SEQUENCE: KIM JONG UN jet-packs across frame, leaving the SHOW TITLE behind him. SINGER The Adventures of KIM JONG UN! (low, soft) Kim. Jong. Un. ROBOT MINISTER pops up with the episode's TITLE: ROBOT MINISTER Today's episode! Greatest Leader Nurtures His Nation's Future! Or... Nuke Kids On The Block! INT. NORTH KOREAN SCHOOL A TEACHER gives KIM JONG UN and ROBOT MINISTER a tour of a CLASSROOM. OBEDIENT NORTH KOREAN CHILDREN study. ROBOT MINISTER What a fine school! Your graduation- to-execution rate is outstanding! TEACHER Thank you, metal Minister! We are all so proud that it will soon be destroyed to make way for a giant statue of Kim Jong Un. In a FLASH-FORWARD, we see bull-dozers destroy the school. A GIANT GOLDEN STATUE of KIM JONG UN replaces it. ROBOT What? On whose authority? TEACHER Kim Jong Un's! There is no other! ROBOT Then it is a righteous and shrewd decision. The school must be destroyed. The teacher SIGHS. TEACHER My only regret is that the statue could not be bigger. Robot Minister spots a flier on a BULLETIN BOARD. ROBOT Unless.... Robot grabs the flier and shows it to Kim Jong Un. ROBOT (CONT'D) Oh Griffin of Gentility, the United Nations holds their annual nuclear weapons contest! Top prize is enough money to build the BEST STATUE EVER! NEW FLASH-FORWARD: The statues is now FIVE TIMES AS BIG! (It also has SUNGLASSES its sleeves are gone, revealing HUGE MUSCLES.) ROBOT (CONT'D) (low, quick) Also the school can stay probably. FLASH-FORWARD: ZOOM DOWN to a TINY SCHOOL under the foot of the statue. Back in the present, as Kim Jong Un considers this, four CHILDREN approach him. CHILDREN (way too cute) We'll help you build a nu-cwear bomb Mister Un! Kim Jong Un smiles. As 80S ROCK MUSIC rises, enter a MONTAGE of KIM JONG UN and the CHILDREN building a NUCLEAR BOMB. - Kim Jong Un sketches bomb schematics on a chalkboard. SINGER Building a nuke to help some kids / 'Cause Kim Jong Un is the greatest there is - Kimg Jon Un and the kids search a scrapyard for bomb parts. - Kim Jong Un and the children mercilessly GUN DOWN AMERICAN SOLDIERS in a LABORATORY as ROBOT MINISTER steals URANIUM. SINGER (CONT'D) This bomb's gonna be the metaphorical bomb / Also the best literal bomb! - Kim Jong Un and the kids SELL LEMONADE at a stand that says "SUPPORT OUR BOMB!" The line is impossibly long. - Kim Jong Un and the kids TORTURE CAPTURED SCIENTISTS to get nuclear weapons secrets. SCIENTIST His torturing technique is- AH OH GOD- flawless! - Kim Jong Un and the kids paint the bomb together. OBAMA and BRUCE WILLIS peer out at them through the bushes: BRUCE WILLIS Kim Jong Un is building a bomb? He must be stopped! OBAMA Agreed! Only America and their friends must have bombs! This is fair and makes sense! BRUCE WILLIS Also I hate helping children! OBAMA Yes. Also that. - Kim Jong Un wipes sweat from his brow and steps back. He, Robot Minister, and two kids admire a FINISHED BOMB. SINGER We've had kilotons of fun / the bomb's almost done / Just need to execute these scientists / And then we'll be number one! PAN OVER TO the other kids in a FIRING LINE preparing to execute blindfolded scientists. We pan to black and hear a loud BLAM! As the song ends, we FADE TO: EXT. UNITED NATIONS A sign tells us this is the NUCLEAR WEAPONS CONTEST. (It's like a dog show, but for bombs.) Judges watch as Obama and Bruce Willis stand next to a LARGE CLOTH-COVERED DISPLAY. BRUCE WILLIS Our bomb will win! It is extremely powerful and TEN TIMES the size of a typical American penis! Obama pulls the cloth off, revealing a TINY BOMB in a LARGE GLASS CASE. Obama and Bruce Willis stand by it proudly, but Kim Jong Un's crew is not impressed. ROBOT MINISTER Oh ha ha! What a typically futile American effort. We will begin construction on the statue and forced labor camp immediately! (beat) Also your school is now a forced labor camp. CHILDREN Exactly as we desired! The children all CHEER. Kim Jong Un pulls the cloth of his bomb to reveal.... A COW WITH THE WORD "BOMB" PAINTED ON THE SIDE. The cow MOOS. Everybody GASPS. ROBOT What nefariousness has transpired? Obama and Bruce Willis SNICKER and HIGH FIVE. The judge gives them a BOMB TROPHY and a BLUE RIBBON. BRUCE WILLIS The Koreans are so dumb, they must have mistaken that animal for a thermonuclear weapon! Hahaha! OBAMA Let this be a lesson to you, Kim Jong Un. Your one puny bomb was no match for our American brain-minds! ROBOT MINISTER Who said we only built one? JET NOISE from above. Bruce Willis and Obama look up to see NORTH KOREAN PLANES being driven by the CHILDREN. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC rises. They GASP! CHILD (still adorable) F*ck you, America! The planes all drop NUCLEAR WEAPONS on the contest. OBAMA/BRUCE WILLIS AHHHHHHHHHHH! KABOOM! Kim Jong Un stands against the massive explosion. We go close on his hard, scary eyes and grating STATIC cuts in. A BRIEF L/3RD: DEATH AWAITS ALL WHO OPPOSE US. We cut wide again and the triumphant music is abruptly back. SINGER KIM JONG UN! Kim Jong Un. END.