In this week's "Adventures of Kim Jong Un," our most glorious leader uses nuclear weapons for their original purpose: helping children.
By Ben Joseph
ABBREVIATED TITLE SEQUENCE: KIM JONG UN jet-packs across
frame, leaving the SHOW TITLE behind him.
The Adventures of KIM JONG UN!
Kim. Jong. Un.
ROBOT MINISTER pops up with the episode's TITLE:
Today's episode! Greatest Leader
Nurtures His Nation's Future! Or...
Nuke Kids On The Block!
INT. NORTH KOREAN SCHOOL
A TEACHER gives KIM JONG UN and ROBOT MINISTER a tour of a
CLASSROOM. OBEDIENT NORTH KOREAN CHILDREN study.
What a fine school! Your
graduation- to-execution rate is
Thank you, metal Minister! We are
all so proud that it will soon be
destroyed to make way for a giant
statue of Kim Jong Un.
In a FLASH-FORWARD, we see bull-dozers destroy the school. A
GIANT GOLDEN STATUE of KIM JONG UN replaces it.
What? On whose authority?
Kim Jong Un's! There is no other!
Then it is a righteous and shrewd
decision. The school must be
The teacher SIGHS.
My only regret is that the statue
could not be bigger.
Robot Minister spots a flier on a BULLETIN BOARD.
Robot grabs the flier and shows it to Kim Jong Un.
Oh Griffin of Gentility, the United
Nations holds their annual nuclear
weapons contest! Top prize is
enough money to build the BEST
NEW FLASH-FORWARD: The statues is now FIVE TIMES AS BIG! (It
also has SUNGLASSES its sleeves are gone, revealing HUGE
Also the school can stay probably.
FLASH-FORWARD: ZOOM DOWN to a TINY SCHOOL under the foot of
the statue. Back in the present, as Kim Jong Un considers
this, four CHILDREN approach him.
(way too cute)
We'll help you build a nu-cwear
bomb Mister Un!
Kim Jong Un smiles. As 80S ROCK MUSIC rises, enter a MONTAGE
of KIM JONG UN and the CHILDREN building a NUCLEAR BOMB.
- Kim Jong Un sketches bomb schematics on a chalkboard.
Building a nuke to help some kids /
'Cause Kim Jong Un is the greatest
- Kimg Jon Un and the kids search a scrapyard for bomb
- Kim Jong Un and the children mercilessly GUN DOWN AMERICAN
SOLDIERS in a LABORATORY as ROBOT MINISTER steals URANIUM.
This bomb's gonna be the
metaphorical bomb / Also the best
- Kim Jong Un and the kids SELL LEMONADE at a stand that
says "SUPPORT OUR BOMB!" The line is impossibly long.
- Kim Jong Un and the kids TORTURE CAPTURED SCIENTISTS to
get nuclear weapons secrets.
His torturing technique is- AH OH
- Kim Jong Un and the kids paint the bomb together. OBAMA
and BRUCE WILLIS peer out at them through the bushes:
Kim Jong Un is building a bomb? He
must be stopped!
Agreed! Only America and their
friends must have bombs! This is
fair and makes sense!
Also I hate helping children!
Yes. Also that.
- Kim Jong Un wipes sweat from his brow and steps back. He,
Robot Minister, and two kids admire a FINISHED BOMB.
We've had kilotons of fun / the
bomb's almost done / Just need to
execute these scientists / And then
we'll be number one!
PAN OVER TO the other kids in a FIRING LINE preparing to
execute blindfolded scientists. We pan to black and hear a
loud BLAM! As the song ends, we FADE TO:
EXT. UNITED NATIONS
A sign tells us this is the NUCLEAR WEAPONS CONTEST. (It's
like a dog show, but for bombs.) Judges watch as Obama and
Bruce Willis stand next to a LARGE CLOTH-COVERED DISPLAY.
Our bomb will win! It is extremely
powerful and TEN TIMES the size of
a typical American penis!
Obama pulls the cloth off, revealing a TINY BOMB in a LARGE
GLASS CASE. Obama and Bruce Willis stand by it proudly, but
Kim Jong Un's crew is not impressed.
Oh ha ha! What a typically futile
American effort. We will begin
construction on the statue and
forced labor camp immediately!
Also your school is now a forced
CHILDREN Exactly as we desired! The children all CHEER. Kim
Jong Un pulls the cloth of his bomb to reveal.... A COW WITH
THE WORD "BOMB" PAINTED ON THE SIDE. The cow MOOS. Everybody
What nefariousness has transpired?
Obama and Bruce Willis SNICKER and HIGH FIVE. The judge
gives them a BOMB TROPHY and a BLUE RIBBON.
The Koreans are so dumb, they must
have mistaken that animal for a
thermonuclear weapon! Hahaha!
Let this be a lesson to you, Kim
Jong Un. Your one puny bomb was no
match for our American brain-minds!
Who said we only built one?
JET NOISE from above. Bruce Willis and Obama look up to see
NORTH KOREAN PLANES being driven by the CHILDREN. TRIUMPHANT
MUSIC rises. They GASP!
F*ck you, America!
The planes all drop NUCLEAR WEAPONS on the contest.
KABOOM! Kim Jong Un stands against the massive explosion.
We go close on his hard, scary eyes and grating STATIC cuts
in. A BRIEF L/3RD: DEATH AWAITS ALL WHO OPPOSE US.
We cut wide again and the triumphant music is abruptly back.
KIM JONG UN! Kim Jong Un.