Everyone's a little gay.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. FIELD - DAY
MITCH and JOSH sit on a log.
Are you serious? Never? You've
never had sex? Dude, how old are
14. I technically shouldn't be a
Aw man, I was having so much sex
when I was your age. MITCH What's
(He's clearly never had sex)
Whaaaat? Awwww...dude. So good.
It's just...all the time like bam
bam bam, and you're just
woaaaah...it's crazy. I do it all
the time. You'll get there, don't
worry about it.
I've never even held hands with a
girl before. Not even in fire
drills, the girls won't hold my
No, it's true, I try to hold them
Mitch sees that Josh is talking about something else.
ANGLE ON: A flock of young straight boys (holding footballs,
etc.), too young to be corrupted or jaded, surrounding the
gayest little boy (Thomas), BRIAN. Brian is in the middle of
a ribbon gymnastics routine and the other boys are loving
This is sad. Oh man. Ugh, I hate
this. Poor kid.
Are you kidding me? Brian is so
gay. Dude that kid doesn't know
what's coming to him.
What do you mean?
When Brian gets to middle school
those kids are going to turn on
him. They just don't know he's gay
yet. But when they see...
Who cares if he's gay or not?
No they don't.
Uh, yeah, they do. They just don't
know it yet. Trust me, I went
through it myself.
Wait. You're ga--
I'm saying something.
JOSH gets up and walks towards Brian.
ON BRIAN AND THE GANG...
I'm telling you, Michael, you are
an autumn. This camp uniform isn't
doing you any favors. When you get
back home I want you to maximize
your browns and your dull reds and
your earth tones and just embrace
it. You're a Pisces...live it.
Michael nods, really sinking it in. The other boys pat
Michael on the back, congratulating him on finding himself.
Oh hi, Joshua.
Your parents named you Joshua.
Shortening it to Josh makes you
sound dumb, which you're not,
you're sensitive and deep. I've
seen your artwork, it's magic.
Oh, I'm just, you know, trying to
get my portfolio big enou-- wait!
Wait. Brian, we need to talk.
Oh fun! Can we set up a time for it
though? I promised the fellas we'd
do a European cupcake bake sesh and
Milana said she'd only give us an
hour to use the oven.
Josh loves that but doesn't want to.
C'mon, it's almost one...time's
ticking...let's make cupcakes...
Actually, Brian, um, I'm just gonna
say what I haves to say right now.
Well what is it, sweetheart? We've
got a full day ahead of us. After
baking we're frosting our tips,
then we've got choir practice, and
Martin here is going to show us his
A jock boy, MARTIN, nods proudly. Josh is clearly envious.
Wanna come with?
I can't. Counselor duties...
So what's the story, morning glory?
Josh searches for what to say...
Nothing. Just...have fun.
Brian smiles and then caresses Josh's face...
Don't stop me now I'm having such a
good time, I'm having a ball. Don't
stop me now, if you wanna have a
good time, just gimme a call.
(as a chorus)
Don't stop me now...don't stop me
now...I don't wanna stop at
(call and response)
'Cause I'm having a good time...Yes
I'm having a good time...
I don't wanna stop at alllll...
Brian and his crew back away gracefully. Mitch walks up.
So...how'd it go?
A single tear is running down Josh's cheek.
I wanna be gay...
Off Mitch's look.