Everyone's a little gay.
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
EXT. FIELD - DAY MITCH and JOSH sit on a log. JOSH Are you serious? Never? You've never had sex? Dude, how old are you again? MITCH 14. I technically shouldn't be a counselor. JOSH Aw man, I was having so much sex when I was your age. MITCH What's it like? JOSH (He's clearly never had sex) Whaaaat? Awwww...dude. So good. It's just...all the time like bam bam bam, and you're just woaaaah...it's crazy. I do it all the time. You'll get there, don't worry about it. MITCH ((softly) I've never even held hands with a girl before. Not even in fire drills, the girls won't hold my hand. JOSH No way... MITCH No, it's true, I try to hold them and they-- Mitch sees that Josh is talking about something else. ANGLE ON: A flock of young straight boys (holding footballs, etc.), too young to be corrupted or jaded, surrounding the gayest little boy (Thomas), BRIAN. Brian is in the middle of a ribbon gymnastics routine and the other boys are loving it. JOSH This is sad. Oh man. Ugh, I hate this. Poor kid. MITCH What's wrong? JOSH Are you kidding me? Brian is so gay. Dude that kid doesn't know what's coming to him. MITCH What do you mean? JOSH When Brian gets to middle school those kids are going to turn on him. They just don't know he's gay yet. But when they see... MITCH Who cares if he's gay or not? JOSH They do. MITCH No they don't. JOSH Uh, yeah, they do. They just don't know it yet. Trust me, I went through it myself. MITCH Wait. You're ga-- JOSH I'm saying something. JOSH gets up and walks towards Brian. ON BRIAN AND THE GANG... BRIAN I'm telling you, Michael, you are an autumn. This camp uniform isn't doing you any favors. When you get back home I want you to maximize your browns and your dull reds and your earth tones and just embrace it. You're a Pisces...live it. Michael nods, really sinking it in. The other boys pat Michael on the back, congratulating him on finding himself. JOSH Heeeeyyyy guys... BRIAN Oh hi, Joshua. JOSH Just Josh. BRIAN Your parents named you Joshua. Shortening it to Josh makes you sound dumb, which you're not, you're sensitive and deep. I've seen your artwork, it's magic. JOSH (disarmed) Oh, I'm just, you know, trying to get my portfolio big enou-- wait! Wait. Brian, we need to talk. BRIAN Oh fun! Can we set up a time for it though? I promised the fellas we'd do a European cupcake bake sesh and Milana said she'd only give us an hour to use the oven. Josh loves that but doesn't want to. BOYS C'mon, it's almost one...time's ticking...let's make cupcakes... JOSH Actually, Brian, um, I'm just gonna say what I haves to say right now. BRIAN Well what is it, sweetheart? We've got a full day ahead of us. After baking we're frosting our tips, then we've got choir practice, and Martin here is going to show us his dream book. A jock boy, MARTIN, nods proudly. Josh is clearly envious. JOSH (Softly) Sweeeet... BRIAN Wanna come with? JOSH Really? (Catching himself) I can't. Counselor duties... BRIAN So what's the story, morning glory? Josh searches for what to say... JOSH Nothing. Just...have fun. Brian smiles and then caresses Josh's face... BRIAN (singing, softly) Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball. Don't stop me now, if you wanna have a good time, just gimme a call. BOYS (as a chorus) Don't stop me now...don't stop me now...I don't wanna stop at alllllll... BRIAN (call and response) 'Cause I'm having a good time...Yes I'm having a good time... (joining in) I don't wanna stop at alllll... Brian and his crew back away gracefully. Mitch walks up. MITCH So...how'd it go? A single tear is running down Josh's cheek. MITCH (CONT'D) Josh? JOSH I wanna be gay... Off Mitch's look.