From CH Staff on
HBO's female viewers argue for a little more genital equality.
By Emily Axford
-EMILY sits in front of the tv with an arm around her, her boyfriend to her left but framed out. -ANU sits with her laptop on her lap. -SASHEER and LAURA sit in front of a tv, one on a couch, the other at her feet. We occasionally see them in a two shot. They address the camera. SASHEER Hi, HBO! It's us, your female viewers! ANU We've got a boner to pick with you: EMILY From the brothels of Game of Thrones, to the brothels of Boardwalk Empire, all the way to the brothels of Deadwood- ANU Don't forget the Strip Clubs of The Sopranos! LAURA You've shown us a ton of boobs. SASHEER So many that after an hour of you, seeing my own boobs, is like- (looking down at her boobs) Really? These things again? ANU It's time to even the score. EMILY We're not saying no more boobs. We just think you should show Dongs. LAURA Like inbetween the boobs. SASHEER Edited inbetween, or even literally inbetween. That'd be cool, too. EMILY I want a little dude tube on my boob tube. ANU You had a show called HUNG about a guy with a big dick- (punch in closer) and we never even got to see it. LAURA In The Wire, McNulty boinked every babe in Baltimore- SASHEER -but did we ever see Detective Jimmy's Johnson? ALL No. EMILY Game of Thrones? We were promised a Storm of Swords. And what did we get? ANU (doing Hodor impression) Hodor. SASHEER One long, flaccid, Hodor schlong that's about as sexy as an uncooked roll of Pillsbury Dough. LAURA (sarcastic and monotone) Oooh. Spoil me. EMILY At least let us see 'em before you cut 'em all off. SASHEER Girls, you made us watch Adam's penis sneeze all over that poor girl from Roswell. ANU But you couldn't turn the camera around and show us the goods? LAURA Lena Dunham, I'm glad you're comfortable with your body, but maybe you could be comfortable with Adam's too? EMILY And True Blood, we don't care if he's an undead warlock demi-god were-bear, show us that magic wand. ANU Maybe you're worried an erect penis would be too explicit or gratuitous. SASHEER Uhh, have you seen the Red Wedding? EMILY You'll show a pregnant woman get stabbed in the baby but you can't show one innocent little hard dick? ANU Look, no one's trying to see less of Danerys. EMILY (in love) Her skin is like toffee fro-yo. SASHEER But maybe replace a couple "scheming in a room full of naked prostitutes" scenes, with, like... (thinking of this on the spot) ...maybe a scene where Robb Stark and Khal Drogo are comparing penis sizes? LAURA (playing off Sasheer) Oooh and it's a tie? So they, like have to wrestle? ANU I know they're both dead but I think it'd work as a flashback. EMILY I wanna see the Stallion that mounts the world. SASHEER So how about this: For every topless background extra- ANU -every actress that bears her bouncies but doesn't even get a line- LAURA -every minute we have to sit through this dumb double standard- EMILY -you owe us an inch of Grade A Man Meat. ANU And if you don't do this LAURA -Or try to shut us up by throwing us some scrote- SASHEER -no one wants to see that- ANU -we will boycott- LAURA -boycott- EMILY -boycott you by not stealing our parents HBOGo passwords anymore. ANU So don't give us the shaft. SASHEER Show us the shaft! EMILY You're a premium channel. Let's see some premium penis. LAURA (really quickly) Also AMC if you wanted to show John Hamm's dick I bet both girls and guys would be down. END.