From CH Staff on
Angry passengers create turbulence for the airlines.
By Owen Parsons, Josh Ruben & Sam Reich
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICES (BY OWEN AND JOSH, WITH ADDITIONS BY SAM) Please note that all performances should be very dry and honest, with the exception of the Airline Attendant, who can become comically frustrated. INT. FULL AIRPLANE - DAY An AIRLINE ATTENDANT gets on the PA. AIRLINE ATTENDANT Ladies and gentlemen, as we prepare for takeoff, please turn off all your electronic devices. A DRY MIDDLE-AGED MAN (think Will Hines) speaks up from his seat. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Why? AIRLINE ATTENDANT What's that? MIDDLE-AGED MAN Why do we have to turn off our electronic devices? AIRLINE ATTENDANT Because... they interfere with the plane's navigation. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Oh, OK. AIRLINE ATTENDANT Now- MIDDLE-AGED MAN How? AIRLINE ATTENDANT What's that? MIDDLE-AGED MAN How do they interfere with the plane's navigation? AIRLINE ATTENDANT (struggling a bit) Because... the electronic signals could interfere with the signal between the plane and the radio tower during take-off and landing. MIDDLE-AGED MAN (nodding) Gotcha. That makes sense. Thank you. AIRLINE ATTENDANT Now, please make sure your seats are fully upright- A 30S-SOMETHING WOMAN speaks up. 30S-SOMETHING WOMAN Wait. I get why I can't have a radio or whatever. But how is my kindle going to screw things up? MIDDLE-AGED MAN Yeah, good question. AIRLINE ATTENDANT (taking a deep breath) Well, it's not just radios. See, all devices create electromagnetic fields that can interfere with radio frequencies. ALL PASSENGERS Ohhhhhhhh... AIRLINE ATTENDANT Now let's get those tray tables up, and- A TEENAGE GIRL speaks up. TEENAGE GIRL Wait, so you're saying that a ninety million dollar air craft can't ignore the signal from my $40 iPod shuffle? That's weird. 30S-SOMETHING WOMAN She's right. That is weird. MIDDLE-AGED MAN Yeah, I'm confused again. A series of other passengers speak up. 20S-SOMETHING MAN If they're so dangerous, why do you allow devices on the plane, and not - I dunno - gels? 20S-SOMETHING WOMAN Yeah, could I hold this plane hostage with my 3DS? AIRLINE ATTENDANT Look, some devices are more dangerous than others, it'd just take too much time to go through them one-by-one. 30S-SOMETHING MAN You've had time. This has been a stand-up joke for fifteen years. BUSINESSMAN I mean, how come the plane doesn't interfere with my phone? TEENAGE BOY And why don't other phones interfere with my phone? ELDERLY WOMAN (to everyone) I just always leave my phone on and nothing happens. AIRLINE ATTENDANT You can't- Look: all electronic devices HAVE to be turned off! ELDERLY MAN I can't turn off my pacemaker! AIRLINE ATTENDANT Your pacemaker is fine. ELDERLY MAN Well, that just opens up a new can of worms. All passengers erupt in agreement ("Yeah," "He's right," "What the hell," etc.) and start turning back on their electronic devices. It's a cacophony of beeps and bleeps. AIRLINE ATTENDANT (trying to be heard) Well, it's- I- PLANES ARE MAGIC! The passengers fall silent. AIRLINE ATTENDANT No one knows why you have to turn your phones off! You know why? Because NO ONE KNOWS HOW AIRPLANES WORK! Two dumbos in Kitty Hawk glued some sticks and old pants together and it FUCKING FLEW. Who knows why? MOM PASSENGER I thought the wings generated lift- AIRLINE ATTENDANT "Lift?" "Thrust?" Science has been bullshitting you to make it look like they figured it out. But no one ever did! Now we're shooting through space in a 30-ton metal dumpster that runs on god-knows- what-magic! AND YOU GUYS WANT TO DICK AROUND WITH THAT? WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD FUCK THIS SHIT UP!? The passengers look around awkwardly. AIRLINE ATTENDANT So just turn your goddamn twitter machines off for the next thirteen minutes as we SAIL through the CLOUDS like the SUN GOD APOLLO and READ A FUCKING SKYMALL! OKAY?! Everyone nods/grumbles affirmative, annoyed but compliant. Attendant regains composure. She sits, buckles up, and pulls out a phone. TEENAGE GIRL PASSENGER Hey- AIRLINE ATTENDANT (defensively) MY SISTER IS PREGNANT! END.