Angry passengers create turbulence for the airlines.
By Owen Parsons, Josh Ruben & Sam Reich
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICES (BY OWEN AND JOSH,
WITH ADDITIONS BY SAM)
Please note that all performances should be very dry and
honest, with the exception of the Airline Attendant, who can
become comically frustrated.
INT. FULL AIRPLANE - DAY
An AIRLINE ATTENDANT gets on the PA.
Ladies and gentlemen, as we prepare
for takeoff, please turn off all
your electronic devices.
A DRY MIDDLE-AGED MAN (think Will Hines) speaks up from his
Why do we have to turn off our
Because... they interfere with the
How do they interfere with the
(struggling a bit)
Because... the electronic signals
could interfere with the signal
between the plane and the radio
tower during take-off and landing.
Gotcha. That makes sense. Thank
Now, please make sure your seats
are fully upright-
A 30S-SOMETHING WOMAN speaks up.
Wait. I get why I can't have a
radio or whatever. But how is my
kindle going to screw things up?
Yeah, good question.
(taking a deep breath)
Well, it's not just radios. See,
all devices create electromagnetic
fields that can interfere with
Now let's get those tray tables up,
A TEENAGE GIRL speaks up.
Wait, so you're saying that a
ninety million dollar air craft
can't ignore the signal from my $40
iPod shuffle? That's weird.
She's right. That is weird.
Yeah, I'm confused again.
A series of other passengers speak up.
If they're so dangerous, why do you
allow devices on the plane, and not
- I dunno - gels?
Yeah, could I hold this plane
hostage with my 3DS?
Look, some devices are more
dangerous than others, it'd just
take too much time to go through
You've had time. This has been a
stand-up joke for fifteen years.
I mean, how come the plane doesn't
interfere with my phone?
And why don't other phones
interfere with my phone?
I just always leave my phone on and
You can't- Look: all electronic
devices HAVE to be turned off!
I can't turn off my pacemaker!
Your pacemaker is fine.
Well, that just opens up a new can
All passengers erupt in agreement ("Yeah," "He's right,"
"What the hell," etc.) and start turning back on their
electronic devices. It's a cacophony of beeps and bleeps.
(trying to be heard)
Well, it's- I- PLANES ARE MAGIC!
The passengers fall silent.
No one knows why you have to turn
your phones off! You know why?
Because NO ONE KNOWS HOW AIRPLANES
WORK! Two dumbos in Kitty Hawk
glued some sticks and old pants
together and it FUCKING FLEW. Who
I thought the wings generated lift-
"Lift?" "Thrust?" Science has been
bullshitting you to make it look
like they figured it out. But no
one ever did! Now we're shooting
through space in a 30-ton metal
dumpster that runs on god-knows-
what-magic! AND YOU GUYS WANT TO
DICK AROUND WITH THAT? WHO KNOWS
WHAT COULD FUCK THIS SHIT UP!?
The passengers look around awkwardly.
So just turn your goddamn twitter
machines off for the next thirteen
minutes as we SAIL through the
CLOUDS like the SUN GOD APOLLO and
READ A FUCKING SKYMALL! OKAY?!
Everyone nods/grumbles affirmative, annoyed but compliant.
Attendant regains composure. She sits, buckles up, and pulls
out a phone.
TEENAGE GIRL PASSENGER
MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!