The last day of camp is MY TONGUE IS A SNAKE!
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
SOME SORT OF "CAMP SHOW" INTRO EXT. - WOODS - NIGHT All of the COUNSELORS congregate. ELECTRONIC LANTERNS abound. We hear 90s-type MUSIC playing on a little STEREO. THOMAS ogles counselor MILANA from aways. JOSH approaches. JOSH Thomasss. Tonight's the last night of camp, man. Make a move. It's now or neverrrrr. THOMAS Ugh, Josh... Milana is so beautiful. JOSH She digs you man. THOMAS No she doesn't god DAMMIT she is so HOT. JOSH I think she digs you man. THOMAS FUCK. Fuck god DAMMIT. FUCK. I wanna just... UGH I just- UGH I am so angst. I am SO ANGST. MILANAS POV - Thomas is rubbing his dick against a tree. They lock eyes. Unphased, she smiles and shyly tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, continuing her conversation. THOMAS I'll never have the balls to talk to her. Might as well bite them off. Bite my balls off I'm a loser. JOSH Chin up, dude. I brought a little something-something that'll loosen you up. She'll be all over you in no time. Josh holds up a BAG OF BLUE CRYSTALS. It's clearly METH. THOMAS JOSH... is- is that pot??? JOSH Yeah. Yeah. I do not know. Josh and Thomas immediately chew on raw blue meth crystals. JOSH You feel anything? THOMAS Nah not yet. MILANA Hey Josh. Hey Thomas. Thomas and Josh are IMMEDIATELY FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF. The sketch devolves into crazy fucking jump cuts: - Josh jerking off a tree branch ("Ohhh come on, come ON you are SOOOOO close. We're SOOOO CLOOOOSE") - Thomas crying his ass off - Josh counting all his teeth, then crying, then repeating - Thomas stabbing himself with broken glass - Josh eating broken glass - Thomas breaking Josh's arm - Josh breaking Thomas' arm - Any crazy ass methed-up Thomas & Josh improv MILANA Hey... are you guys okay? Thomas grabs Josh and gets super close to his face, wide-eyed & SO paranoid: THOMAS She's onto us may-annnnnn! JOSH Play it cool Thom-errrs! Milana holds up a smoking BLUNT. MILANA You guys wanna smoke some pot? Thomas and Josh instantly get the CRAZY GIGGLES. THOMAS / JOSH Hahaha if that's.... if that's pot... then what did we have? Then what. Did. We. HAVE?! HAHAhAhaha! THOMAS No, thank you, we're trying to cut back. MILANA What? Are you straight edge or something? Laaaame! Josh grabs Thomas hard and whispers so intensely, so close: JOSH WHAT are you kidding me?! Do you ever wanna see a VAGIN-AY? (to her) Yes Milana we would love some of your "POT"! MILANA Great! THOMAS Yeah, not too much- Milana forces Thomas to take a big DRAG. Josh does the same. Now they're high on Meth and weeeed! MILANA Mmmm I feel so good. You guys just wanna dance? JOSH I'd love to dance my tongue is a snake my tongue is a snake my tongue is a snake. THOMAS Anything for you you amazing cocksucker of an angel oh my god why WOULD I SAY THAT. She hits Thomas on the shoulder. He FOAMS at the mouth. MILANA Thomasss! (beat) Hey Petey, give us a little something on those bongos! Something we can really groove to! PETEY, an older gentleman who may or may not be homeless, lowers his sunglasses: PETEY You got it, woman. Petey gives them a beat. MILANA Oh yeaaah thanks Petey. That's really enhancing my high. PETEY Okay. Thomas and Josh DANCE HORRIBLY with Milana. Starts to dance then snaps out of it. THOMAS I'd love to dance with you but I just realized my... super strength. I AM SO STRONG. I AM SO STRONG. Thomas tries to lift a tree out of the ground and instantly SHITS HIS PANTS. THOMAS Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh no I'm so embarrassed! JOSH Guys this snake is still my tongue so I'm gonna cut it out okay? Josh SMASHES A VASE he got from absolutely nowhere and uses one of the glass shards to cut his tongue out. INT. CAMP DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING CAMP DIRECTOR sits behind his desk looking at the DISHEVELED, BLOODY, COUNSELORS, circles under their eyes. CAMP DIRECTOR Look, hey, kids, y'know, we all make mistakes. Heck, I do. A lot. (beat) Just please tell me you'll never do it again? They all murmur a very tired "We'll never do it again." JOSH (bloody mouth, no tongue) We'll never do it again.