The last day of camp is MY TONGUE IS A SNAKE!
By Josh Ruben & Thomas Middleditch
SOME SORT OF "CAMP SHOW" INTRO
EXT. - WOODS - NIGHT
All of the COUNSELORS congregate. ELECTRONIC LANTERNS
abound. We hear 90s-type MUSIC playing on a little STEREO.
THOMAS ogles counselor MILANA from aways. JOSH approaches.
Thomasss. Tonight's the last night
of camp, man. Make a move. It's now
Ugh, Josh... Milana is so
beautiful. JOSH She digs you man.
No she doesn't god DAMMIT she is so
I think she digs you man.
FUCK. Fuck god DAMMIT. FUCK. I
wanna just... UGH I just- UGH I am
so angst. I am SO ANGST.
MILANAS POV - Thomas is rubbing his dick against a tree.
They lock eyes. Unphased, she smiles and shyly tucks a lock
of hair behind her ear, continuing her conversation.
I'll never have the balls to talk
to her. Might as well bite them
off. Bite my balls off I'm a loser.
Chin up, dude. I brought a little
something-something that'll loosen
you up. She'll be all over you in
Josh holds up a BAG OF BLUE CRYSTALS. It's clearly METH.
JOSH... is- is that pot???
Yeah. Yeah. I do not know.
Josh and Thomas immediately chew on raw blue meth crystals.
You feel anything?
Nah not yet.
Hey Josh. Hey Thomas.
Thomas and Josh are IMMEDIATELY FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF.
The sketch devolves into crazy fucking jump cuts:
- Josh jerking off a tree branch ("Ohhh come on, come ON you
are SOOOOO close. We're SOOOO CLOOOOSE")
- Thomas crying his ass off
- Josh counting all his teeth, then crying, then repeating
- Thomas stabbing himself with broken glass
- Josh eating broken glass
- Thomas breaking Josh's arm
- Josh breaking Thomas' arm
- Any crazy ass methed-up Thomas & Josh improv
Hey... are you guys okay?
Thomas grabs Josh and gets super close to his face,
wide-eyed & SO paranoid:
She's onto us may-annnnnn!
Play it cool Thom-errrs!
Milana holds up a smoking BLUNT.
You guys wanna smoke some pot?
Thomas and Josh instantly get the CRAZY GIGGLES.
THOMAS / JOSH
Hahaha if that's.... if that's
pot... then what did we have? Then
what. Did. We. HAVE?! HAHAhAhaha!
No, thank you, we're trying to cut
What? Are you straight edge or
Josh grabs Thomas hard and whispers so intensely, so close:
WHAT are you kidding me?! Do you
ever wanna see a VAGIN-AY? (to her)
Yes Milana we would love some of
Yeah, not too much-
Milana forces Thomas to take a big DRAG. Josh does the same.
Now they're high on Meth and weeeed!
Mmmm I feel so good. You guys just
I'd love to dance my tongue is a
snake my tongue is a snake my
tongue is a snake.
Anything for you you amazing
cocksucker of an angel oh my god
why WOULD I SAY THAT.
She hits Thomas on the shoulder. He FOAMS at the mouth.
Thomasss! (beat) Hey Petey, give us
a little something on those bongos!
Something we can really groove to!
PETEY, an older gentleman who may or may not be homeless,
lowers his sunglasses:
You got it, woman.
Petey gives them a beat.
Oh yeaaah thanks Petey. That's
really enhancing my high.
Thomas and Josh DANCE HORRIBLY with Milana. Starts to dance
then snaps out of it.
I'd love to dance with you but I
just realized my... super strength.
I AM SO STRONG. I AM SO STRONG.
Thomas tries to lift a tree out of the ground and instantly
SHITS HIS PANTS.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh no I'm so
Guys this snake is still my tongue
so I'm gonna cut it out okay?
Josh SMASHES A VASE he got from absolutely nowhere and uses
one of the glass shards to cut his tongue out.
INT. CAMP DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING
CAMP DIRECTOR sits behind his desk looking at the
DISHEVELED, BLOODY, COUNSELORS, circles under their eyes.
Look, hey, kids, y'know, we all
make mistakes. Heck, I do. A lot.
(beat) Just please tell me you'll
never do it again?
They all murmur a very tired "We'll never do it again."
(bloody mouth, no tongue)
We'll never do it again.